Buhl, Idaho
In columns past I have often quoted one of the
most quotable characters in American history. Will Rogers will always be my
favorite. After all this palaver in the past couple of years, it is only fair
that I offer something original that doesn’t miss the political mark by much,
something that I can actually claim as my own. I thought of it this morning,
said it out loud, and it sounded dumb enough to use in my column.
Readers who follow this column know that last
spring our team put up a satirical campaign for congress, and we did get plenty
if mileage out of that one, though we are not yet finished. I intend to declare
as a write-in candidate in order to get a few more laughs.
Yeah, yeah, I know. You are holding your breath,
waiting for my newfound original quote. It has probably been said before, but
if so, I ain’t never heard it, and can therefore attribute the quote to myself,
and call it original, whether it is or not.
The quote has to do with my constant criticism
of Congressman Simpson, who I have no reason not to like. True, I am adamantly opposed
to his CIEDRA bill, as anyone with any amount of sense should be.
However, a full 70% of republican voters in the
primary sided up with Mike as opposed to Chick Heileson. And, a big throng of
democrats registered as republicans and voted for Mike to help make sure he won
the primary. The democrats like Congressman Simpson as much or better than the
republicans do.
It is hard to criticize that kind of popularity,
and most politicians would be envious of such numbers. Well, just because I
took Mike to task about a few of my pet peeves doesn’t mean I don’t like him.
And, in all fairness, when I attacked him for not doing anything about the
hundreds of thousands of tons of potatoes that rotted on the ground a few years
back, well, that was downright dirty of me, because there are a hell of a lot
of other people and organizations that didn’t do a damned thing about it
either.
That would include the Mormons, the Catholics, all
the other churches; the Farm Bureau, the Potato Growers Association, the
Governor; our Senators, the entire legislature, and the United Nations, as well
as myself. I never said a mumbling word about it at the time.
It ain’t Mike Simpson’s fault that there are two
kinds of potatoes, and I don’t mean Russets as opposed to Reds. There are
contract spuds and open spuds. Spuds under contract get sold regardless of
market conditions, and people who grow open spuds sometimes take a bath.
Still, there is absolutely no excuse for any of
us to sit by and watch that kind of waste happen when there are so many hungry
mouths in the world to feed. Yes. You can say the same thing about excess milk
that often is dumped on the ground when the market goes south. With as many
people as are starving plumb to death in far flung corners of the world, there
had ought to be a way to keep excess ag products from going completely to
waste.
No, that’s not my famous quote. The quote has to
do with me taking pot shots at Mike. Trust me friends, plenty of people have
taken pot shots at me, but in this line of work, ‘it doesn’t matter what they
say about you, as long as they spell your name right’.
No, that’s NOT the famous quote, either. That
one was invented long before I was even born. Mike, I don’t want you to think
I’m opposed to you being the Congressman. That is one job I wouldn’t want.
“What?!” you say. “Jack if you don’t want to be a Congressman,
then how come you keep running for Congress?”
Simple. For a $300 entry fee, we get several
thousand dollars worth of publicity and name recognition. I’m in the
entertainment business, and you can’t buy
that kind of advertising.
And don’t call us unethical! We did not accept campaign contributions, and
had no impact on the outcome of the election. I do, however, owe Congressman
Simpson an apology for pushing the line between satire and sarcasm. So here’s
the famous original quote, Mike, written especially for you. To wit:
“You can’t even be a duck in this world without
somebody wanting to shoot you.”
Jack Wayne Chappell
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