Saturday, March 24, 2012

The Freedom Between Your Ears

Jack Wayne Chappell, Buhl, Idaho

A while back I mentioned that the John Birchers used to be considered paranoid

schizophrenic, and it turned out they were more correct than paranoid. Shortly thereafter I got an
email from a reader who asked:
“Why is it that when I talk to God it’s called prayer, but if God answers me back, it’s
called schizophrenia?”
The answer is, I don’t know. It always seemed to me that God speaks to man through
the human conscience. Whether the conscience is innate or acquired may be a mystery to some,
yet, it had to have originated somewhere. And, it appears to be easy to lose, given the proper
motivation. Take the Wall Street bankers, for example. Or, better yet, Jon Marvel and the
Watersheds girls.
We have institutions for nearly everything these days. We need yet another; and
we should start one right here locally to bring some big bucks into our region. Let’s call it
the “Institution for the Environmentally Insane” or IFTEI. That sounds nifty.
It would take a lot of acres to build a big enough camp to house all of these
environmental lunatics in politics, but given the opportunity to put all those people on a funny
farm, the real farmers hereabouts would be altogether likely to donate us enough land. Or, we
could get a special land grant from the BLM.
Just a short hop to the west and a bit south they wanted to lock half of Owyhee County
into a Wilderness Area and give the other half to the snails. So, they did. Up north a ways,
Carole King and her band of renown want to appropriate 24 million more acres of designated
Wilderness in the northwest, nine million more right here in Idaho. That’s all the rest of the best
recreational country that we’ve got.
Between their spotted owls, desert tortoises, and multi-million dollar wolves, they’ve
been taking over entire states with their idiotic environmental agenda. They claim they have
around a hundred and eleven million acres of designated Wilderness, but that’s not anywhere
near accurate.
Early on, the U.S. Geological Survey shot all our mountain country in linear square
miles. Well, one square mile out here on the flat is 640 acres. But up in those mountains, a linear

square mile can be several thousand acres in actual surface area. Depends upon how high the
mountains are and how steep the terrain is.
In reality, they have closer to three hundred million (or more) acres in their wilderness
system, and that amount of country is bigger that some nations. There’s enough resource wealth
included to pay off the national debt who knows how many times over again. And, if we’re not
careful, that land could be serendipitously signed over to the U.N.’s Biosphere program, which
would likely make it a bargaining chip (a rather large one) for the International bankers.
Well, that’s what we get for electing lawyers to the Congress. They misplace the human
conscience even more frequently than the Wall Street bankers do.
A while back in this column there was mention of a particular Heavenly Ghost that
sometimes stops by my camp to haunt me. He showed up again last night, and this is what he had
to say:
“Now to tell you what Dirk the Butcher said in Shakespeare’s version of King Henry
The Sixth ~ which is directly related to the problem here ~ Shakespeare’s Butcher said: The first
thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers!
‘Now I want you all to know that we have a drastic shortage of lawyers up in Heaven, so
would you please not do that. Every time one of them fills out an application form, Mark Twain
uses it for inspiration to write another funny story, and the application never even crosses Saint
Peter’s desk. One of ‘em even tried to fax in his application, but Wily Post had to proof read it,
and he thought it was from an ex-Marine who wanted to get into the Job Corps. . .

‘So you can see that the reason that we have this loco environmental movement is because the
lawyers have a very tuff time getting into Heaven, and if you think that your environmentalists are into
recycling, you had ought to see how quick Saint Peter can recycle a busload of lawyers!

‘They all have to be reincarnated and they start over as bugs so that it will take them a
long enough time to get to be men again. Saint Peter hopes that this type of republicanism will
give them time to think about it some during the twenty million years from the bug stage when
they have lived long enough to warrant evolving into true human beings again. Don’t worry. If
they go sideways and become lawyers the next time, well, it’s back to microbes and forty million
years for them!”

I don’t know what kind of spiritual fate awaits the environmental lunatics that should be

confined to the tent city of the IFTEI, but it is safe to reckon this much. They should check in
with an environmental lawyer under each arm.

You may contact Mr. Chappell at 

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